Of Ninja!
by Bluenara
Summary: Sasuke fails to leave Konoha at the end of Part 1. Add crack, youth and copious amounts of stupidity, put them in 500-word chapters and you have this story. What's the worst that could happen? ...What do you mean with "this isn't healthy for the mind, please stop"? The Springtrain of Youth has no brakes!
1. Of underhanded jutsu!

**Disclaimer: **Naruto doesn't belong to me. Derping is universal.

**A.N.: **Please note that picking on certain character traits and using them for funniez doesn't mean I'm trying to bash any of them - it's all, literally, 'for the lolz'.

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"You're stupid," drawls the young Uchiha, scowling at his blond teammate. Not very convincing, since he's covered in bandages from head to toe.

"Yes, but you're a bastard!" Naruto snarls at him and then stick outs his tongue. Offended by such childish demeanor, Sasuke opts for scrunching his nose (like he smelled something really nasty) and turning away.

"Guys... please..." mutters Sakura, with a pile of tissues beside her, and still growing. Inside her, Inner-Sakura is smacking the mental images of her teammates. Repeteadly. While screaming a lot of obscenities.

"You are annoying too," grumbles Sasuke, lifting an eyelid and looking at her in disappointment. "All of you," he adds, looking at Kakashi with a glare that means 'I haven't forgotten about you, my butt still hurts from your last act of... underhanded strategies!' Yeah, that'll teach him!

Kakashi doesn't even bother to cast a glance at him, though he is listening to the bickering of his students with the greatest amusement.

"Hey, leave Sakura-chan out of this!" growls Naruto, attempting (and failing) to jump at the Uchiha. His bed shakes, but refuses to help him in his task. Dammit... they just had to tie him after the third time Sasuke decided to be an ass!

The aforementioned girl lets out a tired sob, sniffling into her tissue. Naruto tries to frantically cheer her up, while still shooting deathstares at Sasuke, but he is failing miserably at both. When she hears "You're not annoying... not all the time!" Sob. "You're very pretty, and smart, and..."

Sasuke snorts, a bit more vocal than usual. Immediately, he draws Naruto's whole attention towards himself, though instead of telling him that he's "a pretty girl" (that would just be awkward!), the fox boy makes comments about how his teammate's brain is prodigally retarded.

When it looks like Naruto's bed is about to topple over the bags of IV liquids connected to his and Sasuke's arms, Kakashi quietly puts away his book. Which is a Big Deal, because he only puts away his book when something serious is going on.

He gives off such an aura of seriousness, that the three genin in the room notice it immediately, stopping their bickering and, in Sakura's case, hopeless sobbing, to look at him. Even though he made no sound and he still looks so tired of everyone's crap.

He could be a Nara for how good he is at that - on that, all three of his students can agree.

"Kids," he mutters, somehow managing to look at all of them at the same time, with one single eye.

The idea of Kakashi having chameleon eyes crosses Sakura's mind for a second, and she almost snickers.

"You two just broke many of each other's bones. And almost did the same to our dear Sakura," he continues, placing a hand on her head, for the sake of pure, unadultered guilt-tripping.

A good shinobi attacks crucial weak spots!

"Either you learn to rest, or I teach you. Painfully," he adds, smiling under his mask cordially, casually poking the air with his fingers, almost unnoticeably.

Immediately, Naruto shuts his mouth and Sasuke scowls a bit more, both of them flinching at the memory of their rears being assaulted by such a terrible jutsu... again. Sakura gives her sensei a big, happy thumbs-up, just to make sure he won't try it on her. That'd be just _wrong_.

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**A.N.:** yep, this is the polar opposite of my other story. I plan on updating randomly, between 500 and 600 words each time - an alternative universe where things are a lot simpler (pretty much, a 'what if' the style of Part 1 had been kept for the rest of the series?), with some derp, humor, friendship and parody. There's some plot... if you squint. Maybe. Just snippets of 'what could have been' while I don't have anything else to offer!


	2. Of Sakura's notebook!

**A.N.:** I've been really busy with _Barebones_ lately, so I couldn't update for a while. I made the chapter a little bit longer than 600 words to make up for it ;P

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Konoha's hospital is quiet in the relaxed atmosphere of a Saturday morning. Ninja of various ages, genders, sexual orientations and preferences regarding Icha Icha occupy the many rooms of the building.

Among them is Kakashi Hatake, a man who has mastered the art of using a single eye to convey all facial expressions. Trust me, you don't want to see the other one. It's creepy, even for a ninja.

He occupies the Room number 215, reading his perverted book with the most casual demeanor, as his students busy themselves with silly banter.

Sasuke practices the sage Uchiha art of scowling at things as if wishing they burned in hellish fire; Sakura writes on a pink notebook with flowery drawings on the cover; and Naruto attempts to peek over to read it, causing himself a great deal of trouble.

"...What the heck is a maroonic deepwit and how cool does it make me?" inquires Naruto, after much effort and pain.

He's still tied to the bed, but somehow managed to extend his neck enough to get a glance.

Sakura blinks a few times, looks up at him and then down at her scribbled notes.

She proceeds to pout with deep resignation, readying herself to Deal with Naruto - a task that no one wishes upon themselves, except maybe ramen sellers.

"I wrote 'moronic dipshit' and it doesn't alter your status quo regarding coolness," she corrects, politely.

Sasuke is now scowling in their general direction, making the kunoichi feel butterflies in her stomach. Either that, or everlasting guilt. Unconsciously, she tries to hide the notebook.

Naruto seems to understand that he just got insulted by dear Sakura-chan, but she is kind enough to correct her statement.

"I mean, it's not that you're that dumb... I'm just writing the report of our mission," she clarifies, tapping her notebook with a pen. "I'm using as many accurate verbs as I can to describe how it went."

Kakashi proceeds to scare the living shit out of her by snatching the notebook from her hands, so swift that it looks like he didn't move from his lonely corner of the room.

Sakura visibly cringes, yelping and jumping from her chair, in a vain attempt to reach for it. Kakashi, an experienced ninja, has no trouble with keeping a thirteen year old away from him with a single hand, placed on her great forehead.

"What the heck!" she blurts out, desperately jabbing at his sides with her fingers. It turns out he is resistant to tickles, much to her chagrin.

"I trained to resist all sorts of torture, Sakura, don't think I'd fall for such a simple trick," he comments, switching to his foot to keep her at bay. He proceeds to skim through the notebook with great interest.

Sakura turns back to her teammates, silently pleading for help, but they limit themselves to watch and scowl, respectively. Something in the way they look away tells her they find the situation more amusing than they let on.

"Well, then," the kunoichi mutters, dusting off her forehead and crossing her arms over her chest. With all the severity she can muster, she adds: "What do you think, Kakashi-sensei?"

"Excellent detailing, but you're a tiny bit verbose," he replies, nonchalant, very intent on analysing what she suspects is her drawing of one of her teammates.

She looks like the perfect impersonation of a cherry, she muses, judging by the heat rushing up to her cheeks.

"...Is this an interpretation of Sasuke's anatomy?" her sensei asks, casually, giving her a brief glance.

Sakura now understands Hinata's occassional fainting. It's a great escape to distress and humiliation, and she wishes she could knock herself out.

"..."

Naruto's laughter booms through the room, his bed shaking because of a mirth overload. Sasuke's left eye has a slight twitch - he looks at her as if she was some sort of thing that just crawled from under his bed.

"Sensei, d-do I have p-permission to..." She whispers, forcing herself to look at Kakashi, only to find he's gone.

Well then, she'll take that as a yes.

"Oh crap." Naruto pales significantly, faced with the now fury-filled green eyes of his kunoichi teammate, who is busying herself with casual knuckle-cracking as she steps closer.

The relaxed atmosphere of the hospital is broken by several "cha!", cries of uncontrollable, pained laughter, and pleads for mercy that go completely ignored. Knowledgeable ninja that hear such sounds are right to assume that someone is being tickled, possibly to death.

Nothing rare in a ninja village, really.

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**A.N.: **Reviews of any kind, as usual, are welcome :) I hope you enjoyed your read!


	3. Of Sasuke's wonderful holidays!

**A.N.: **Could it be? This story is finally getting uptated? Yep! I decided I wouldn't let it be a year since I updated this. I'll again warn you: I'm going to abuse of the fact that this is crack to exaggerate character traits and make everyone silly. Think of Rock Lee's Springtime of Youth on steroids and with more badwords.

* * *

Sasuke takes a moment to appreciate the peace and quiet of his prison cell. Really, everyone thinks he tried to run away _again_ because he wants to go to Orochimaru real bad - in fact, this is the most efficient method to get away from Naruto.

Said Uzumaki has been proven physically incapable of shutting the hell up, and his head hurts too much to deal with that crap.

That man called Jiraiya has put so many layers of seals on the Curse Seal that he can't feel his shoulder anymore. It still pulsates, almost like there is a snake having a seizure in there (a mental image he does not appreciate), and his brain feels too overgrown for his skull.

Much unlike Naruto's, goddamn little idiot he is-

No, this counts as his _holidays_ from all the bullshit that has been going on around him. He is going to _enjoy them_. He is going to cherish this stupid bench and the stupid cold walls like there's no tomorrow. He will even celebrate by overdosing in sink water.

This is how people party and celebrate _joy_, right?

In truth (because that sarcasm was definitely impossible to detect), Sasuke is done - one-hundred percent done with everything and everyone. It's probably due to the concussion he got when they dragged him back, kicking and screaming, before he could even lose sight of the village gates.

If he thinks about it too much, he is probably going to curl up into a ball, hold his head and scream until his voice dies out. And probably murder his entire team as soon as he sees them. All the plans he had have flown out of the window. He can't get out of Konoha now, and all because, yes, Sakura _did_ scream.

In a moment of brilliance (much to his chagrin), she actually _screamed_ faster than he anticipated, when he tried to leave and she caught up to him. True, it was because she saw a cockroach crossing the road, but she still managed to out him, by employing the reflexes and vocal power that a healthy combination of disgust and fear provides. He isn't going to underestimate her underhanded techniques ever again.

He is positively seething, and hates everything and everyone in this godforsaken world.

Fuck it. He got caught because of a _bug_. He was subdued by the greatest idiot, talented or not, he has ever met. Kakashi didn't say anything, but his dark eye was positively _twinkling with joy_, like he had fucking fairy dust stuck in his eye or something.

Everyone rejoiced and then they threw him into the same hospital room as his teammates, because _of course_ it would be therapeutic to lock him in with them. That's what it was - psychological torture of the highest caliber.

If this is how it's going to be, he isn't going to make it any easier. They left him one choice to escape the madness, and this is it.

Yes, all things considered, this prison cell is very nice. The walls make a great sound when he bashes his head against them.


	4. Of Anko and Kakashi!

**A.N.: **I suppose this is a warning for sexual themes...? No, not _really_, but Anko is already a little crazy in the original, so...

* * *

"I think she might be trying to start a cult for the revival of the Uchiha," comments Anko, eyeing the notebook appreciatively. Kakashi tries not to shudder. Some of Orochimaru's… habits rubbed off on Mitarashi. "Why the fuck are you showing this to me, again?"

Kakashi Hatake does _not_ fiddle in shame. He does not want to admit that he, once again, overlooked Sakura. Naruto and Sasuke are a handful, yes; the latter does need a lot of _help_, yes, he was right about that.

But maybe, just maybe, he has something even worse to deal with now.

"That's the problem, Anko. I haven't seen something this… this messed up since your porn collection ended up in my room. True mystery, that." His face hurts, but he manages to say it without implying sarcasm.

Anko's idea of wooing a man is _scary_, almost as much as the horrors that he found plastered all over his room. Sometimes he still finds pictures, in places like the underside of a drawer.

He didn't know snake-bondage could be a fetish. Truly terrifying.

"You're a pansy, Hatake." _Please don't eat me,_ he prays. Her smirk is predatory. "Let me guess, you want me to take care of your pink little problem for you."

Kakashi refuses to believe that this an innuendo, as much as Anko seems to be expecting a reaction from him. He will not yield. He is better than this.

"You're the one who knows best," he mutters, sounding defeated. "Orochimaru was your sensei, you're the only one who can understand why…"

He positively splutters, his hands gesturing in the direction of the notebook. He doesn't want to say it. Just because he reads porn, it doesn't mean that he is any less of a prude, just like any good Konoha shinobi.

Except Anko.

Said woman is smirking at him like a hungry cat about to pounce. He knows too well what is coming for him, and he steels himself. This is for Sakura. His comrade, his student. He doesn't want her to become as bad as Sasuke.

"Fine, I can do the psychology analysis and tricks on her. Maybe I'll teach her some genjutsu funnies, both to satisfy her needs, present her with reality and build up her resistance and autocontrol."

_Basically, make sure that Sakura doesn't go crazy and pounces Sasuke while he's in the shower._ But there is a catch, he knows it too well.

Kakashi readies himself, as if expecting a physical blow, because Anko's grin speaks of doom and pain and possibly a little bit of murder. Lovingly, of course. Kami have mercy on him, what did he do in his past life to deserve this?

"It won't be assault if you agree to it." Anko lifts a contract and a pen out of nowhere, and Kakashi blanches.


End file.
